REMINISCING 2016

To me, year 2016 is a blend of life’s blacks and whites. It is a symmetry of warm and cold elements, of positive and negative senses, of high and low waters, of doubts and hopes, of failures and triumphs, and, of sorrows and joys. It is consistently unpredictable, irrationally logical, and undeniably unforgettable.

In the first quarter of the year, my heart got wrecked in pieces. I thought it’s what people call “heartbroken” but I realized it’s not. It never was because it wasn’t even love. Funny, but I am grateful it actually happened because now I know the difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation hurts for a while but love hurts for who knows how long. Infatuation is idealistic and love is realistic. Infatuation is what you see, hear, and feel but love is beyond everything. Infatuation is modest and love is profound. And I think I will never be ready for love. Yeah. To be honest, it scares me to death.

Thereafter, I was miserable for months because I was diagnosed with an incurable bone condition. My dreams shattered right in front of me. I began to fear what lies ahead because I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I started to doubt myself and the people around me. Life threw me off a cliff. I was about to give up holding on to that tiny little hope but a hand saved me. God saved me. Life is for living, He said and I listened. It was then that I realized that I have to live life more. My illness was certainly a blessing in disguise. I started to make things happen. I spent time more with my family and friends more than I did before. I began to challenge myself with impossible things and as of this moment, I nailed some of it. There’s more on the list and I have years to live, so yeah, way to go!  The thing is, it’s a bit brutal that I have to get sick first before I learn these things. That life is for living and not for other things like whines, doubts, and regrets.

Life is, indeed, a cycle. After the bad news regarding my health, I received the best news ever. It’s actually the highlight of 2016. I passed UPD and yes, finally, for my masters!!!! Next year, I will be a working student and I am proud of it. Teacher in the morning, student at night. Splendid. It’s going to be a hectic year and I will hold on. Yes. This experience taught me that there’s no harm in giving and believing in second chances. In the past, I was a firm believer of “first and last shot” and I never believed in second, third, fourth or whatever chances. But now I do. I’m now willing to give myself and the people around me a second chance for everything. There is no room for giving up but only for working hard. For this, I feel indebted for my co-teacher. She’s the one who pushed me to my limits. If weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have done it. She taught me to always believe in myself and never give up on my dreams. Today, I am proud because I consider myself as the “dream catcher.” Yes, I’m a living dream catcher.

I was in cloud nine for weeks but what is success without no one to share it with?  My family was supportive of me and I’m thankful for that. It’s just that, I consider my best friend as family too. But she’s nowhere in sight. I feel incomplete without this person. Not everyone we meet stays in our lives. Some are just passing by to say hi, the others are just lost in their own crisscrossed paths who happened to pass ours, and only a handful stay glued on the same ground we’re in. My best friend is forever glued in my life. She’s my backbone, my escape, my redemption, my pillow, my happy pill, just literally, my everything. Today, I am hesitant as to where I stand in her life or should I say if she even want me. It saddens me to have these thoughts but I just can’t help it. I know can always meet new ones and make new memories but to me, it will never be the same. We can have as much friends as we want but we only have one best friend and she is perfectly irreplaceable. I just hope she knows it. Well, I guess I just have to wait and do my best like I always do. I know forgiveness is hard to give but now, I’m pretty sure that earning it is a lot harder. But nah. I won’t give up, ever. ‘Til then, stories and secrets I have yet to tell her will be kept in the deepest den of my heart.

Some say that people learn the hard way. Not in my case, though. 2016 made me learn things in the most vicious way. I was caught off guard I almost forgot how to breathe. It was terrifying and upsetting yet I was able to pull myself together just because I didn’t have choice. Up to this very last day, I have no choice but to accept the bittersweet things this year has taught me. It’s kind of weird but I love every bit of it, though.

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Year End Realizations :)

Few hours left before we light every firecracker, before we get to behold breath-taking fireworks, before we savor the mouth-watering foods resting on our tables and before we open our doors to the approaching year 2015. But before pampering myself to these festivities, I would like to look back and pay my respect and gratefulness to the fleeting year. Year 2014 has been so great and I know it will be the same at the very last minute of its existence. It is one of the best years I have lived. 2014 will be out of my reach sending me off so many lessons to be cherished and to be practiced. Here are the valuable things I learned throughout 2014 J

  1. Life is a paradox and its inconsistency is what makes it superb.

Life is full ups and downs, tears and joys, blacks and whites but keep in mind that everything comes and goes. One moment everything is perfect then little by little it becomes a mess. I faced numerous difficulties and hardships I never imagined happening to me or to our family. I experienced crying my heart out every night then waking up with puffy eyes and a heavy heart. Overthinking everything led me to myriad of sleepless and gloomy nights. But this never stayed for too long; nothing stays the same, anyway. The pain may have hurt me for a while but it won’t hurt me forever. Pain can’t hurt someone forever; just like what Augustus Waters said, “Pain demands to be felt” but that’s just it. It demands to be felt once in a while but not all the time. And the pains I endured left me a resilient but sincere heart. It made me tough and it refined me into a more shimmering and more dazzling diamond.  

  1. Set your priorities right.

Cliché as it is but this is now one of my mantra this coming year. Becoming a working girl is like becoming an angel wanting to have a look to what is in hell. Yeah. During my first few “working girl” months, I turned into a prodigal daughter. I purchased a lot of things for myself, myself alone. I spent the fruits of my labor with not-so-important things thinking it would give me greater happiness. But it did not. Ephemeral happiness, this was what I received. I overlooked the reasons why I worked hard, of why I said no to every invitations of “Carpe Diem”. I failed to recall the reason behind my horny feet, baggy eyes and fatigued voice. My family. I literally forgot them. I neglected their needs and focused on mine. One day I woke up to their pleas. And it dawned on me that what I was doing, spoiling myself with the grandeur of the world, won’t give me the contentment I seek. What will truly make me satisfied is seeing my family having the best of everything. Seeing genuine smiles on their faces is what I aimed for all this time. And to cope up with those lost precious smiles, I intend to make them my top priority for the longest time, wholeheartedly and devotedly.

  1. Friendship lasts infinitely.

                Graduating in our own chosen careers and taking different roads make us live independently to our valued friends. But there will always be. a time when you don’t need someone but your bestfriend. To be honest, I have a number of friends but if someone would ask me how many are true I would simply say less than the number of one’s five senses. How funny it is to have a handful of true friends when you have a hundred of friends. True friends are impossible to find, really. A friend you can call your “bestfriend.” Your bestfriend walks with you to the ends of the earth. You do the silliest things together. You tease one another with harsh words yet you still prefer talking to each other than to anyone. You fancy small and big things together; guys, books, places, clothes, foods and other stuff which you have a common interest with. Sometimes you need the “wise and crazy” opinion of your bestfriend before you make a decision. Most often than not, you share secrets you are not supposed to share to each other; but you do it anyway because you’re bestfriends and bestfriends babble together. You watch horror movies together because you cannot blow other people than your bestfriend. You plan a getaway including your other girlfriends but end up dating each other because your girlfriends didn’t show up. You do fangirling stuff together and you do it like there’s no tomorrow. You know each other’s imperfections and weaknesses and accept it anyway. Your bestfriend stays with you through thick and thin, rain or shine, and in happiness and in sorrow. You may not see each other 24/7, 7 days a week but when you are together, nothing’s changed; still a bestfriend. I am truly glad that my bestfriend last few years is still my bestfriend this year and will be my bestfriend for the coming years. If she is reading this, I would like to say thank you for finding me (you know, a true friend is hard to find.haha.). That the times we spent together are one of the best times I have had in life. I know we will be bestfriends forever and when the time comes that you will have to spend more time with your special “reality”, I’ll still be happy and know that I will be always with you; not beside because that is where your special “reality” is but behind to remind you that you can always look back to me and count on me.

  1. God is my greatest refuge.

             With all my achievements, failures, joys, and tears I know that God never left me. There were times which I may not have felt His glorifying presence but I know that He never forgot me nor forsaken me. Whenever I stumbled, He guided me to my knees. He enlightened my cloudy and tangled mind. He showed me how beautiful life can be; how everything is falling into place and I just have to rely on Him. God showered me with so much blessing that I learned to share and be generous all the time. He taught me how to love myself completely so that I can give love to others with all my heart. When the world turned its back to me, God welcomed me in His warm and loving hands. He opened my eyes to a harsh reality that everything ends but to a sweet serenity that His love never ends. God knew that I would be scared in my first year of teaching so He gave me witty, crazy, kind, loving and caring co-teachers who eventually became my newly-treasured friends and I am grateful for that. I wouldn’t have survived my first job without their helping hands and open minds. God put me in a working place where my spiritual life is also nourished. I learned how nuns work together to help those in need and I feel honoured that I got to experience the ultimate bliss in giving and helping others. God assisted me to be an affectionate adviser/mother of 37 gorgeous girls. I learned to be patient at all times. I became a good listener to students who had unfathomable scars in their hearts. I became appreciative even to small things done unto me by others. And I thank God for cuddling me whenever I’m exhausted of everything and reminding me what my mission really is. Year 2014 is I believed the year wherein I became closer to God. I came to know Him more deeply and I got to know Him more closely. Truthfully, with God by my side, I can do anything fearlessly. Words are not enough to express my deep gratitude and love to God so I will make it appoint that I will always be a blessing to everyone so that they will know God the way I knew Him; generous, kind, loving, great listener, forgiving, understanding, caring, just and upright, one great Father, He is. Now I am ready to welcome 2015 with open arms with a smiling face. 🙂 tumblr_m3905nYXtU1r3e62yo1_500 tumblr_mfwexf2NBI1rd6r7uo1_400